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The why of it all

This isn’t a spur of the moment decision. It’s something I’ve been considering for quite a long time now. My MS is pretty far advanced. I score over an 8 on the EDSS scale. Mostly I score myself at a 9. I spend my days in a hospital bed and occasionally a couple of hours in a chair that inflames the skin on my butt and the pain it causes lasts more than 24 hours. I live in adult diapers and have to be hoisted in a sling to have a bm. There’s no dignity left for me. I haven’t had a proper bath or shower in over a year. I gave up dental care when I could no longer stand at a sink, so probably a couple of years now. I don’t have enough strength in my hands to trim my fingernails and I can’t manoeuvre myself to trim toenails. I even lost the dexterity to brush my hair and can’t shave my legs or armpits. It’s a miserable way to exist. I’m at a point where there isn’t anything to differentiate one day from the next. Carers come in 4 times a day and that’s pretty much the entire exposu...
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People need to understand that the relief of leaving this fucked up world is an acceptable option and doesn't mean anyone failed me or I them. Living a painful life is just too much sometimes but it doesn't mean I don't love the people that might miss me. The negativity I infect the ones I love with is a valid reason to remove myself from inflicting any more pain. I sincerely hope that they understand that this is as much for them as it is for me.
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Mental illness is real and sometimes it MUST be understood to be fatal.
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First pt 2

I feel uncomfortable and distressed all the time. My body feels swollen. No clothing feels remotely big or loose enough. My muscles are weak everywhere. I can't even sit comfortably in any way. I'm not sure when the last time was that I could lie down. Totally physically ruined....
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First

I don't know what this will be. Hopefully a place to be totally honest with myself? I don't think anyone will ever read this so really this can be my cyber-confessional. I'm so tired of this life. I've been thinking for ages about what my future could hold but have mostly come to the conclusion that I'm just done. If my mental & physical health were to return today I still can't come up with what I could possibly do with more time.
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