The why of it all
This isn’t a spur of the moment decision. It’s something I’ve been considering for quite a long time now.
My MS is pretty far advanced. I score over an 8 on the EDSS scale. Mostly I score myself at a 9.
I spend my days in a hospital bed and occasionally a couple of hours in a chair that inflames the skin on my butt and the pain it causes lasts more than 24 hours.
I live in adult diapers and have to be hoisted in a sling to have a bm. There’s no dignity left for me. I haven’t had a proper bath or shower in over a year. I gave up dental care when I could no longer stand at a sink, so probably a couple of years now. I don’t have enough strength in my hands to trim my fingernails and I can’t manoeuvre myself to trim toenails. I even lost the dexterity to brush my hair and can’t shave my legs or armpits. It’s a miserable way to exist.
I’m at a point where there isn’t anything to differentiate one day from the next. Carers come in 4 times a day and that’s pretty much the entire exposure I get to the outside world.
I’m not looking forward to anything. There’s no place I’m wishing to go. I don’t have a social circle to be in touch with. I’m not complaining about these things. I’m always most comfortable being alone. It makes me feel less guilty for wanting to go. ...
Both Molly and Tommy are at good places in their lives. I think I’ve prepared them pretty well for life in the adult world and they’re both much smarter than the average bear.
Of course I know this will upset them. I hope they’ll both seek out bereavement therapy if it’ll be helpful for them. At the end of my pondering I think they’ll both be okay. They know how unhappy I’ve become and I hope that after thinking about this they’ll both understand why I’ve made this decision. And they both know how very much I love them. That will never change.
I have no support network at all. Richard has completely shut down on this entire situation. He can’t stand to be in the house for more than an hour at a time unless he’s sleeping. His days are suddenly lasting hours longer than they ever have before and his weekends are fully planned to be away from the house. He’s either at the gym, on a bike ride, going to Costco or anywhere else he can think of. He goes out shooting with Tom which means he’s out until late night almost every weekend.
It’s become impossible for me to live this life. I’m not worried about upsetting God. I believe He is loving and wants what’s best for me and He will forgive me. Most of all I know He understands that I want to be with my dad. Too much of my life has been spent missing him.
I’m sorry and I love you.
My MS is pretty far advanced. I score over an 8 on the EDSS scale. Mostly I score myself at a 9.
I spend my days in a hospital bed and occasionally a couple of hours in a chair that inflames the skin on my butt and the pain it causes lasts more than 24 hours.
I live in adult diapers and have to be hoisted in a sling to have a bm. There’s no dignity left for me. I haven’t had a proper bath or shower in over a year. I gave up dental care when I could no longer stand at a sink, so probably a couple of years now. I don’t have enough strength in my hands to trim my fingernails and I can’t manoeuvre myself to trim toenails. I even lost the dexterity to brush my hair and can’t shave my legs or armpits. It’s a miserable way to exist.
I’m at a point where there isn’t anything to differentiate one day from the next. Carers come in 4 times a day and that’s pretty much the entire exposure I get to the outside world.
I’m not looking forward to anything. There’s no place I’m wishing to go. I don’t have a social circle to be in touch with. I’m not complaining about these things. I’m always most comfortable being alone. It makes me feel less guilty for wanting to go. ...
Both Molly and Tommy are at good places in their lives. I think I’ve prepared them pretty well for life in the adult world and they’re both much smarter than the average bear.
Of course I know this will upset them. I hope they’ll both seek out bereavement therapy if it’ll be helpful for them. At the end of my pondering I think they’ll both be okay. They know how unhappy I’ve become and I hope that after thinking about this they’ll both understand why I’ve made this decision. And they both know how very much I love them. That will never change.
I have no support network at all. Richard has completely shut down on this entire situation. He can’t stand to be in the house for more than an hour at a time unless he’s sleeping. His days are suddenly lasting hours longer than they ever have before and his weekends are fully planned to be away from the house. He’s either at the gym, on a bike ride, going to Costco or anywhere else he can think of. He goes out shooting with Tom which means he’s out until late night almost every weekend.
It’s become impossible for me to live this life. I’m not worried about upsetting God. I believe He is loving and wants what’s best for me and He will forgive me. Most of all I know He understands that I want to be with my dad. Too much of my life has been spent missing him.
I’m sorry and I love you.
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